I’m wondering whether you learned enough last year, and how you would know.
And I’m wondering this for two reasons.
First, I’ve been asking this question to myself, in my own reflection of 2018. And also in my gazing into 2019 — who I’d like to become, how I’d like to feel, who I want to serve, and what I’d like to accomplish.
Second, I’m right in the middle of supporting 179 people (working in 29 peer development groups) in doing the same: Looking back and looking forward. And getting refocused on what they’d like to accomplish, what behavior may hold them back, what fear gives rise to that behavior, what they might do about that, etc.
In these groups, they support one another in gaining self-knowledge, ultimately leading to changed behaviors and experiencing themselves and life in a very different way. I can’t tell you the gratitude I feel in working with them. But back to the point…
In the midst of all this pondering, last week I came across the following quotation:
Anyone who isn’t embarrassed of who they were last year probably isn’t learning enough.
― Alain de Botton
What initially struck me in reading this was that I felt conflicted about whether I even liked the quotation. On the one hand, it was provocative and had a ring of truth to it. On the other hand, is embarrassment a good measurement bar or motivator?
I’m learning to lean into what I resist or am averse to, so I did. And I’m glad I did. For one thing, leaning into it and talking with Sara about it, it helped me reconnect with an old friend of mine. Shame. I struggle with it, and I understand it a bit more after reading Dr. Louis Cozolino’s excellent book, Why Therapy Works: Using Our Minds to Change Our Brains.
In the book, Cozolino explained to me the difference between “good shame” and “core shame”. He describes the usefulness of the former and the debilitating effects of the latter. That’s a conversation for another day, but I mention it here because so many people, like me, struggle with core shame. And if that sounds like you, you might want to pick up that book.
So, I leaned in.
I stepped over my aversion to the “embarrassment” aspect of the quotation.
As I started contemplating the meaning, I initially looked at it from the standpoint of whether I had done any things that were embarrassing over the last year. Easy answer there. Check. Check. And check. When I get emotionally triggered, I sometimes don’t catch myself and end up emotionally hijacked… and let’s just say I don’t cover myself with glory when that happens. And then, sometimes I just make mistakes. Or exercise bad judgment. Bottom line. Yes, I did some embarrassing things.
Yet this quotation isn’t really about whether you or I have done something embarrassing, is it? To me, this quotation is prompting me to ask…
“When I look back at who I was last year, am I embarrassed?” Hmmmm.
That’s a trickier question, isn’t it? How about you? What would you say?
This brought me up against more struggles I have with this quotation…
First of all, who is who? We assume we know who “who” is. That is another topic for another day. So, I’m going to sidestep this issue for convenience and brevity’s sake. And in taking “who” out of it, I’m going to reframe the question…
“When I look back at how I was showing up in the world this time last year, do I feel embarrassed?” To that, I can unequivocally say yes. Because this time last year, I was operating under some unconscious assumptions and driven by some anxieties that weren’t so pretty. And, of course, those gave rise to some not-so-pretty behavior. Looking back, I do feel embarrassed at how I was often showing up, acting, and experiencing the world.
You probably want an example, right?
Two weeks ago, when Sara and I were talking about what we’d like to accomplish in 2019, she took it in a direction I didn’t expect. She didn’t want to first of all talk about what she wanted her or us to accomplish. She wanted to talk about how she’d like to experience life differently in 2019. That was quite a pivot for me. I won’t share what she said, for that is hers. But I will tell you what came up in this conversation for me and what I took from what she said. And I’ll tie this back to how I was last year.
Last year, I was constantly feeling stressed and awful inside because we were not achieving some goals we had set for our business and our lives. And when I start feeling that way inside, I do three things. I work harder. I feel negative and project negativity. And I sometimes become very manipulative in trying to get other people — like Sara — to feel as bad as I do so they will start to do something differently.
That sucks. When that is going on, I know I’m not fun to be around. I’m working too hard. And I’m squeezing the joy and the fun and the creativity and the relaxation and the recreation and the connectedness out of my and our lives.
I did that. And that’s embarrassing. Further, I feel awful about it and the impact that had on our relationship and our year. And it is particularly embarrassing given the line of work I’m in…
So, if Alain de Botton is correct, last year was a year of learning for me. And I am happy for that. But I know that insight does not necessarily lead to action. So, the real learning will come in shifting this in 2019. And honestly, I’m terribly excited about the challenge of it.
What’s my focus for 2019?
With regards to this, it is to notice when that old internal state starts to arise (yes, it has been already), and then see if I can connect with — as Sara puts it — “the abundance in the moment” (and, yes, I am having some early success with this).
To say it sounds airy-fairy, I know. But I have to tell you, the Otis on the other side of that will be happier, more productive, a better husband, be more fun to be around, express more kindness and compassion, get out in the mountains more often, and warm the seat of his motorcycle a lot more frequently than in 2018.
Yes, there are things I want to accomplish in 2019. That’s a subject for another day. But this, this my friends, is how I want to be. Feeling the abundance of the moment, rather than my perceived insufficiency of it.
And, honestly, “being” in this new way will make it more likely I will end up “doing” what is necessary in order to “accomplish” what I’d like to accomplish in 2019. Yes, much more likely than were I to stick with (and be stuck by) the old way. Which is tantamount to flogging myself and others around a track towards a potentially misguided, unrealistic, and/or overly rigid finish line.
I’ve shared. Now what about you?
I have three questions for you:
- When you think back to how you were showing up in the world this time last year, are you embarrassed? (Or substitute another word for embarrassment, if that word is too off-putting for you. Or, like me, simply lean into your resistance.)
- As you reflect on that — and where you are now or where you’d like to be — what have you learned?
- How might that inform what you should be focused on now, right now, to have the year — and to be the person — you’d like?
Hopefully, that gets your creative juices flowing. And hopefully, that gets you a little bit excited… because you, and this year ahead of us… is brimming with possibilities. Let’s seize them, shall we?
And let’s look back next year, back to this time this year, and commit to having learned even more, shall we? Let’s keep learning, gaining evermore self-knowledge, broadening and deepening our compassion for others and for ourselves, being more courageous and more capable of taking right action… and of serving others and the greater good.