Personal Development = Integration

What is common is a state of imbalance. This imbalance is reflected in all that we’ve covered so far in this series of posts on personal development…

In the prior two posts we’ve built the case that:

Personal Development = increasing mental complexity (and decreasing egocentricity)

Personal Development = increasing awareness (and decreasing egocentricity)

Notice the theme here that personal development involves decreasing egocentricity.What is egocentricity? And how does it relate to the imbalance of our physical, emotional, mental and spiritual (PEMS) aspects?

Let’s get to it.

Egocentrism

What is egocentricity, or egocentrism? Wikipedia says:

“Egocentrism is the inability to differentiate between self and other. More specifically, it is the inability to untangle subjective schemas from objective reality; an inability to understand or assume any perspective other than their own.”

What is ego?

Honestly, it is hard to find a satisfying scientific definition. You can try to wrap your head around Freud’s Id, Ego, and Superego, but I’ll take this is a more accessible direction. Wikitionary defines it as:

“Ego: The self, especially with a sense of self-importance.”

Not bad, but not particularly useful. More useful is Eckhart Tolle’s definition from his book, A New Earth, because it brings to light what self-importance is in the context of ego:

“When every thought absorbs your attention completely, when you are so identified with the voice in your head and the emotions that accompany it that you lose yourself in every thought and every emotion, then you are totally identified with form and therefore in the grip of ego. Ego is a conglomeration of recurring thought forms and conditioned mental-emotional patterns that are invested with a sense of I, a sense of self.”

Notice in Tolle’s definition that ego is—in effect—a “closed loop”. Nothing outside us can be included when we are fully identified with our ego. All attention is there, on ego, self. It is not here, it is not now, it is not connected to life, and it is not aware of the future that is emergent in-the-moment. We are “in the box” of the ego. And when we are “in the box”, we are suffering and, ultimately, causing suffering.

Egocentricity Causes Suffering

Being egocentric, having our awareness collapse into only being identified with ego, causes suffering. Why? When 100% of our attention collapses into our ego and becomes identified with it, we lose perspective, distort reality, and become consumed by fear and insecurity. Not a great base from which to launch successful expeditions, to be sure.

We all know this.

A scientist or psychologist doesn’t have to tell us or prove it to us. We have all the proof we need, right? It is right there in all the things we’ve thought and felt and said and done that have hurt ourselves, hurt others, and harmed life. These things we do that cause ourselves and others to suffer, and that harm life, are due to our ignorance.

A closed loop is tantamount to ignorance. That which is outside the closed loop—also called others and reality and all its inputs—are shut out. All we’ve got in that closed loop of the ego is a handful of unexamined rules (mental beliefs, assumptions), unvetted fears (many of which we can’t see or understand), and unregulated instincts (which are impulsive or compulsive).

It’s not pretty. And it is certainly not present.

Presence (or awareness) and ego move in opposite directions. More egocentricity always means less presence. More presence always results in less identification with the ego. Presence brings connection, inclusiveness, true knowledge (gnosis), understanding, right action, at-one-ment, joy, compassion, and the like. Ego brings suffering. Simple as that.

Tolle has another way of saying this, of saying how being fully identified with ego is about lack of presence, and therefore separation, distortion, and dysfunction:

“Ego is a dysfunctional relationship to the present moment.”

In other words, ego is lack of presence.

I think it was Sharon Salzberg who said:

“The most important relationship we have is the relationship to this moment.”

And Abraham Maslow?

“The ability to be in the moment is a major component of mental wellness.”

When we are fully identified with our ego, we are not present. We are disconnected from reality. And when we are disconnected from reality, we are ignorant. In this ignorance, caught in the distorted biases and preferences and clinging and aversions that are its hallmarks, we become capable of doing things that hurt us, hurt others, and cause harm to the world around us. We suffer, and we cause suffering.

This we know. At least, I do. From a lot of experience.

Egocentricity Is Imbalance

How do “ego” and “presence” relate to the imbalance of our PEMS? I use a simple diagram to depict this. Reality is, of course, more complex than this. But I find it a useful metaphor. (You can click on the diagram to better see it).

What does a “perfected” human being look like? Going back to the Levels of Development in the prior post, what might level 1 look like?

On the left side of the graphic, notice how the Physical, Emotional, and Mental aspects are proportionate, and overlapping… interconnected, therefore interrelated, and therefore interdependent. And they are directly connected and en rapport with our Higher Self, or the Spiritual aspect of ourselves.

When PEM are in harmony, you have the “perfected” vehicle through which the spiritual aspect of ourselves can do its work down here on this crazy, wild, and mysterious physical plane on which our lower selves find ourselves. Our thoughts, feelings, and actions become a reflection of our Higher Selves. Poetry in motion, so to speak. Right action. Right timing. Right thought. Right relations. Thy Will and not my will. And so on.

What is more typical? PEM in a state of relative imbalance. That’s on the right hand side of the diagram. When PEM is imbalanced, the S (higher self) aspect of ourselves has an awful hard time ringing through. Bad connection. Loud room. The connection is lost in the static and the ringing lost in the din of our imbalanced PEM misfiring and struggling to carry on successfully in a compromised state.

When PEM isn’t working well together—meaning the master (Higher Self) is to all intents and purposes “not home”—the ego must step in. You see, the ego is not a problem. It keeps us alive. It does it best to hold things together. Until You return. The problems exist and arise not because of the ego, but because we are not present. No need to dislike the part of yourself that holds things together until you return home.

True personal development is the process of moving PEM towards balance, and then intentionally establishing a connection between PEM (our lower selves) and S (our higher selves). Then the ego can take a much needed break and remain on stand-by to step in in those inevitable situations were you doze off (lose presence) when driving at the wheel of life.

What does that look like to bring PEMS into balance, and what does it look like to be out of balance?

The Relationship Between PEMS

There’s another metaphor for PEMS that I quite enjoy. I first came across it in P.D. Ouspensky’s book regarding his work with Gurdjieff, In Search of the Miraculous. (I’m just citing the reference, not recommending the book, BTW.) He ascribes its origins to the eastern traditions. Regardless of source, I like it.

The metaphor likens PEMS to a horse drawn carriage.

P (hysical) is the carriage.

E (motional) is the horse.

M (ental) is the driver.

S (piritual) is the owner / master of the whole arrangement.

In an ideal situation… the owner (S) sets the direction and purpose for the driver, and therefore the horse and carriage. The driver (M) then decides the way, directs the horse (E), keeps it under control, and attends to its needs, whilst driver and horse move the carriage (P) to its intended place, for its intended purpose, at the right time, safely.

In the typical situation… the owner (S) has a poor working relationship with the driver (M), because the driver is a bit unstable, unaware, and most definitely not in control of the horse (E) must less attending to the needs of the horse. The horse is unruly, anxious due to sensing the lack of competence, skill, authority, etc. of the driver. The driver is now out of control of the horse, and all the driver’s resources are now expended in attempts to keep the horse under control whilst the carriage (P) is careening about in a most unsettled and erratic way.

Therefore, personal development is about the driver (M), gaining sufficient control over the horse (E) such that the carriage (P) can settle down and do its work. Having established this solid, secure base of operations, now the driver can connect with the master (S), and follow its commands and cooperate in achieving its Will.

Can I Know More About My PEMS Imbalance?

Yes. You can learn it simply by doing real personal development work. (More on that, later.) All that you need to know is available through experience.

If that sounds a bit too distant, the Enneagram can lend you a hand. Just refer to Chapter 7, The Centers, of Understanding the Enneagram by Don Richard Riso and Russ Hudson. It’s a simple, profound, and quick chapter to read. If you know your Enneagram type, you can predict the misfiring and miswiring of your PEM. You can also learn which one might be the best to focus on. Then your personal development work takes on a different perspective. More intentional, perhaps. Bearing some needed context, at the least.

Personal Development = Integration

Another way to say “restoring balance to PEMS” is simply to say integration. I prefer that word over balance, for a couple of reasons.

First of all, most of us have tried to become more balanced, and it doesn’t really work.Balance is inherent in nature, but in humans? Not-so-much. Why?

Humans seem to be oriented towards evolvement. Evolvement seems to continually involve some degree of imbalance. Chaos, even, at times. So, maybe we should give up on balance. But how about integration? Now there’s something that seems possible.

Integration here means our PEM and S aspects have integrity. Integrity means “the state of being whole and undivided.” That’s the diagram on the left in the first graphic above, by the way. And the higher our PEMS integrity, the easier (and more possible) it becomes to weather the imbalance that seems inherent in the process of human evolvement.

Integration Includes All of You

All of us seem to have parts of our selves and parts of our life experience we’d rather not acknowledge, accept, own, or own up to. These are the things about ourselves or what we’ve done that involve guilt, shame, self-loathing and the like. Plus the things we believe were done to us, or happened to us, that are painful to remember and seem impossible to comprehend or much less, forgive.

We attempt to put these things in a part of our mansion we hope no one will wander into, including our own selves. We shut that wing of the mansion down, and receive our visitors in the drawing room… kept nice, and neat, and tidy.

In effect, we have a house divided. And, as the saying goes, a house divided cannot stand. Except it does. Kind of. Sort of. We limp along. We are able to hold it together, mostly. But it is not whole. It lacks integrity.

An important aspect of bringing our P, E, and M aspects into integrity is to — over time, through our personal development — bring all of ourselves and our life experiences together. True personal development means we don’t get to pick and choose… nor pretend or disown or disavow. We do get to choose the meaning we make of such things, as well as what learnings are there for the picking. And there are always learnings in those things.

I think this is one of the most difficult parts of personal development—owning everything becoming whole, warts and all. But, as I think you will find, true personal development involves this… that bringing your P, E, and M into integrity involves bringing all aspects of your self and your life experience into integrity. Into wholeness.

Integration—in effect—is the process of healing.

Therefore, true personal development = healing.

How to Integrate PEMS

“How to”, right? It’s a good question, but we aren’t quite there in this series. Yet there are some very straightforward answers that are so simplistic they may not seem useful or practical.

• Abide more and more in the present moment.
• Cling less to the things and people and aspects of yourself that you love, adore, admire, etc.
• Drop your aversion to the things and people and aspects of yourself that you find repelling, repulsive, disgusting, contemptible… or simply irritating.
• Keep your heart open in all situations where it wants to close. Keep your spine strong in all situations where it wants to cower. Do both, together.
• Learn to use your M (the driver) to contain and regulate your E (horse) and therefore settle and ground your P (carriage).

That isn’t meant to be a full list, or a how-to. I am simply attempting to convey a feeling as to the general direction. Notice that none of it involves reading another book, taking another course, or finding a teacher. Don’t worry, there are practical practices you can do every day that do not take a lot of time…

A practical path—one I’ve seen work—is forthcoming, later in this series. For now, we are simply defining what personal development is… while trying to remain somewhat sensitive to the probability that some part of yourself keeps saying, “Yes, but how?”

Wrapping Up

Over three posts, we defined personal development three ways:

• Personal development = increasing mental complexity
• Personal development = increasing awareness

And now,

• Personal development = increasing integration

Perhaps, too, it is dawning on you that these are not three different things… but are simply different ways of looking at and understanding the same thing.

We’ve got one more perspective—one more scenic overlook, if you will—to go.

Next, we look at personal development through the lens of attributes.

There, we will explore…

• as you increase mental complexity and start to construct reality…
• as you increase awareness and decrease egocentricity…
• as you integrate your PEMS and all aspects of yourself and your life…

…how do you change?

How might the qualities or attributes you express in and through your life change? We will look at the five attributes we all have that are typical at the average level of development, and what those attributes transform into as a result of our journey of personal development.

Make it a good week!

Otis

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P.P.S. There are prior posts in this series.

1. Personal Development… Without Knowing What It Is?

2. My Mission: Help You Better Understand Personal Development

3. Personal Development: Working Definition

4. Lens 1: Personal Development = Increasing Mental Complexity

5. Lens 2: Personal Development = Increasing Awareness

6. What Holds You Back: Unlocking the Enneagram for Powerful, Personal Insight