The behaviors you do that hold you back (or that you don’t do, and hold you back) arise from a system running within you. If you are like most people, you don’t know much at all about this system. And yet there it is — seven by twenty-four — running. Running you.
Our ignorance of this system, and how to work with it, and our fears related to disrupting that system make it very hard to change. In this article we will look at seven reasons it is very hard to change, why most people won’t, and how you can. I’ll give you a powerful first step.
But first, let’s look at one of the biggest shocks you will encounter in your personal development:
On Being… Mechanical
One of the biggest shocks of personal development is realizing that you thought you were at choice yet were more like a machine. Machines run in very predictable ways. Do this, they do that. Do that, they do this. I think you will have to admit, most of us are just like that (or this). Do this to me, and you can predict I will do that. Do that to me, and you can predict I will do this. Do you call this being at choice? I don’t.
There’s even a word for this mechanistic, automatic, predictable, and limited way we operate in life.
“Automaton. noun. A moving mechanical device made in imitation of a human being. Also, a machine that performs a function according to a predetermined set of coded instructions, especially one capable of a range of programmed responses to different circumstances.”
The shocking truth is we are not really free: Freedom is mostly an illusion. It is, at least, until we start waking up to who and what we actually are. And to this system.
Until we start working with that system and changing it, freedom is an illusion. It does not occur to us that we are not free, for we see no bars and no jailor. Because we feel like we are thinking all the time, it appears that we are choosing all the time. But that isn’t so. We are in a jail of our own making. Because we think we are free, we can’t see that we are not.
“None are more hopelessly enslaved than those who falsely believe they are free.” Goethe
“I Want Proof.”
I know. I know. You want some proof. No worry. Quite simple. Grab a pen and paper. Ready? Let’s do this.
1. What do you most want to accomplish this year? Write that down.
2. What is the primary behavior you do that is going to make that more difficult than it should be, or impossible? Ditto. Wiggle the pen.
3. Think of a close relationship, one where you occasionally get “triggered”. Write down the relationship and what it is that triggers you.
4. What is the primary behavior you do when you get triggered that is harmful to you and/or the other person? Yeah. Write that down. You are in flow now with this writing thing.
5. What is the #1 thing you need to accept or let go of to be happy and to move forward in your life?
6. What is the primary behavior you do as a result of not accepting and not letting go of that thing that causes you and/or others to suffer?
Look at the counterproductive behavior you wrote down in 2, 4, and 6 above and ponder on the magnitude and profundity of those three counterproductive behaviors. One is holding you back from more easily achieving what you say you most want. One is holding a relationship back that you call “close”. One is causing you and/or others to suffer because you can’t set something down and continue your journey through the short span that remains of the rest of your life.
So, now I have one question for you. (You can probably see where this is going…)
Are you telling me you are free to choose different, better behaviors and you are instead choosing these? Really? You are a smart, savvy, well-intentioned person. You want me to believe you are really at choice here, being a free bird, and you are choosing to do three behaviors you know is harmful? Sorry. I don’t buy it.
I don’t call this being at choice. I don’t think this is being at choice at all. I’m guessing one of your deeper values is to do more good and less harm. So, if you were at choice you’d choose to do different behaviors… ones that did more good and less harm than the ones you are doing. And since you are not choosing to do different behaviors, you can’t possibly be anywhere near as free and at choice as you fancy your beautiful self to be.
More bad news.
This is the tip of the proverbial iceberg. Down underneath the surface, beyond what you can currently see, there’s a lot more lurking down there. I just picked three big ones because the big ones are the easy ones. Once you start seeing what I’m pointing out, there’s l-o-t-s more to see.
And the good news!
It doesn’t have to be that way! Anyone can wake up in this crazy dream of life and gain their freedom. To be at choice. To not go through life so “machine-like.” So imprisoned. So not-at-choice. So asleep.
Anyone can re-program the system giving rise to these counterproductive behaviors. Hey, if I can do it, so can you. I’m not exactly the sharpest tool in the shed or the fastest horse around the track. My football coach, Coach Lowe, once said, “Woodard, you couldn’t pour water out of a boot if it had instructions on the side.” (Seriously. He said that. And had a right to. I pivoted to tennis. And track.)
Yet most of us won’t “re-program.” I find that totally heartbreaking. Most of us won’t really, sustainably change. Most people will not see the system, learn about the system — much less change the system. So the challenges in their life will be repetitive. Predictable. Almost… machine-like.
Seven Reasons it is So Bloody Hard
Last week I taught 45 people about that system. I took them through the model you see to the left. And, in very powerful ways using personality style assessment tools (the DISC and the Enneagram), I helped them see into their systems. We demystified their counterproductive behaviors and underlying fears, and the early childhood messages they got as wee tikes.
They were lit up, I’ll tell you. They were like, “Wow, where were you 20 years ago when I really could have used this and spared myself the last 20 years?” And, “This is scary. Have you been videotaping me? This is so me!”
(We like to think we are so mysterious. So this always surprises people.)
Yet even armed with all this, only a handful will transform. Even with all that, and I gave them my very best. And they will receive ongoing support. Yes, a majority will get a degree of enrichment, for sure. But transform? Only a handful.
Why?
Because the price of freedom is staggeringly high and we are wholly unprepared to pay that price. We want to order it from Amazon and have it dropped on the front doorstep by drone.
I asked these smart, well-intentioned, highly educated, service-oriented, good people…
“Why do you suppose it is so hard to change this system that gives rise to this behavior you already know you need to change, and yet have not and seemingly cannot change?” Mind you, I’d had them reflect upon their #1 goal for the year. The had looked at ratings showing their teams were only so-so in terms of being happy, healthy, and highly effective. They’d seen their counterproductive behavior in the personality style assessments. They’d connected all these dots, had their “Houston, we have a problem” moment, and I had the diagram of the system right up there on the screen. And I asked them that question.
Here’s what they said.
“It is very hard to change the system because doing so requires or involves…
1. Piercing Self-Deception. I tell myself what I’m currently doing isn’t that bad, that what I’m doing is working well enough. That means overcoming self-deception. (This one got lots of votes.)
2. Facing One’s Self. It requires acknowledging to myself I’m doing something “wrong”. That’s uncomfortable.
3. Vulnerability with Others. It may require admitting to others that I have a weakness. That’s scary.
4. Re-wiring Hard-Wired Behaviors. It means changing something that is now automatic or habitual. That’s hard.
5. More Effort. It will be a lot harder than what I’m doing now. I’m already over-taxed.
6. Relationship Risk. Others may disapprove of the change, and they may even be reinforcing the counterproductive behavior. That means risking rejection.
7. Facing and Tolerating Fear. There isn’t a way to change the system without experiencing fear. That’s not fun.
And they are right. Those reasons are powerful and will turn many, many people back. Here’s the bottom line, said so well by psychologist Virginia Satir…
“Some people prefer the certainty of misery than the misery of uncertainty.”
It really isn’t more complicated than that, is it? We think we know who we are now, we think our counterproductive behavior isn’t that bad, we think we are loving because we intend to be loving, and… to be honest… if we are still for even a moment… it occurs to us that maybe we are all kind of hanging by a thread. So you want me to toss things around a little? You are crazy, Otis.
We don’t know who we will be on the other side of change. That’s unknowable in advance. Transformation isn’t controllable. Enriching ourselves is controllable. Transformation, not. So, I totally get it. I’m not there yet, either. Who in their right mind would risk everything for something they don’t know and is unknowable until after it is done? The current way may be somewhat miserable, but heck-fire, that’s terrifying!
So what do we do about this quandary? How do we move past having the highest part of ourselves longing for transformation and becoming at-one with that which we have lost our connection with… and the lower part of ourselves that is reduced to a quivering bowl of Jell-O at that thought of transformation?
Searching for Antidotes
I don’t have any magic answer for you. Not a pill you can swallow or a magic wand I can wave. But I can share my strategy, the one I personally use.
Just start with telling the truth to yourself. Start piercing the self-deception, the self-deception you don’t yet see (but maybe sense).
Tell the truth to yourself about what the default future looks like if you don’t change. Then, give up. Give up hoping for a different future or better relationships if you keep doing the same old s#@t that you are doing now.
This is the greatest self-deception, isn’t it? Persistently changing nothing in the present whilst hoping for a better future and believing it just might happen?
“Man who waits for roast duck to fly into mouth must wait very, very long time.” — Jules Renard
The truth is painful. Pain is motivating. Ergo, the truth can be motivating. That’s my simple answer.
Tell yourself the truth about the pain you have caused, are causing, and will cause if you persist in your counterproductive behaviors. This truth-telling process will be painful. And it will be motivating. And, by the way, don’t do this to punish yourself, or to indulge is self-flagellation. That’s just another counterproductive behavior that causes even more suffering.
Tell yourself the truth as an act of self-love. Let the higher part of you that loves and has compassion for the scared, quivering part of you speak. Speak the truth. With kindness. Care so much for and about yourself that you cannot continue to allow that lower part of yourself to wander around stumbling in the mists of unsatisfactoriness, or worse, despair and confusion… that is so entirely unnecessary.
Tell yourself the truth, too, about who you’d be on the other side of the change. (Didn’t see that coming, did you. All of a sudden, I’m Mr. Sunshine.)
How would you feel? How would you love? Who would be uplifted? What would be made new again? What goal, accomplished? What intergenerational family issue would be redeemed, or family hurt healed? Sure. Let yourself imagine all that wondrous glory, joy, unconditional love, wisdom, equanimity, compassion, service, and such.
Just don’t lose sight of the default future or you will become intoxicated on your future potential and forget to show up for work. We human beings are a funny lot. If we can see it and sense it in our mind’s eye, then we check it off the list as done.
“You cannot plow a field by turning it over in your mind.” Irish proverb
And, as a mentor once told me, “use death as your advisor.” You will be here but for the briefest of times, like a firefly in a summer field. So beautiful to behold. Yet, summer folds into fall, and fireflies turn to dust. And the winter sets in to start the cycle anew in the spring. Some think we have another cycle. Some think this is it. It matters not who is right. The right thing to do is the same either way.
So, shine. Shine while there’s time.
We can do this, you and I.