Personal development is the process of gaining self-knowledge and achieving, accomplishing, or experiencing some desired, intentional result.
If this statement doesn’t make sense to you now, I hope it is more clear by the end of this article.
For me, this has been a 3 week period of expanding my self-knowledge. It hasn’t been pretty. It’s been messy and hard, actually. And I’d like to tell you about it.
Before I do, there is some groundwork to attend to.
Two Key Terms
In that opening sentence, there are two very important terms—
- Self-Knowledge
- Result
RESULT
In my own personal development, one result I’m working on is to be both very direct and yet kind in situations where I’m emotionally triggered and usually anything but those two things. Maybe you are like me, and when your internal state goes negative, or you become emotionally triggered, or perhaps even emotionally hijacked, you say or do things in the moment you later regret. That’s me, anyway.
I intend to change that.
A key result I want from my personal development work is to do more good and less harm. One key way of doing this is to be much more direct and much more kind in situations where I’m typically not.
I’m sharing this “result” I’m shooting for for three reasons:
- To give context for my not-so-pretty story that follows.
- To convey my bias that personal development tends to bear no fruit when there is no intentional aim. And,
- To give me an opportunity to say this: Without a result to provide some form of outside mirror that reflects a change in our self-knowledge, we can delude ourselves into thinking we are gaining self-knowledge when in fact we are increasing self-deception.
I have a lot of experience in the latter.
SELF-KNOWLEDGE
To me, gaining self-knowledge means gaining a deeper understanding of my PEMS. PEMS is an acronym for the four aspects of a human being:
- Physical/Instinctual
- Emotional
- Mental
- Spiritual
In a more specific way, gaining self-knowledge means seeing how the interaction among my instinctual, emotional, and mental aspects gives rise to behavior, my internal state, and the way in which I construct reality. That very last bit about “construct reality” can be hard to wrap the head around because we assume we simply see reality straightforwardly, when in fact we assemble it in a distorted and incomplete way.
Let me say the same thing, backwards. I think this can add clarity.
I know from direct, personal experience that I construct reality through the act of perception, that I experience internal states, and that I have behaviors. I also know there is a source to these three things. And the source of all three is how my PEM functions, and thus, the degree to which the S is present and impacting, guiding, and informing the PEM.
Gaining self-knowledge means — through experience — doing three things:
- Seeing all this more clearly.
- Expanding my perception, experiencing a change in my internal state, and/or seeing a change in my behavior as a result of intentional action based on the seeing. And,
- Through 1 and 2, gaining true understanding.
Making Sense?
What I’ve tried to do above is synch up with you on three things. I want to be clear that my beliefs and assumptions are:
- Having a clear intention — a result — is essential for personal development work to go anywhere.
- Personal development is an interactive process of gaining self-knowledge and accomplishing or experiencing those results.
- Self-knowledge means gaining true understanding of how my perception, my internal state, and my behaviors and actions are directly impacted by the quality of the functioning of my PEMS.
The Monsters Underneath My Bed
The typical PEMS is in a state of imbalance — it is only a matter of degree. Self-knowledge involves restoring balance, moving towards integration, healing. Another way of saying it is that lurking in our PEM are distortions — misguided instincts, misguided emotions, and thoughts and assumptions that are incomplete and/or not entirely accurate.
Imbalances — or distortions — in our PEM give rise to distorted perception, distorted internal states, and distorted behaviors or actions. It is a huge problem, for at least three reasons:
- We do and say things that harm ourselves, others, and the world around us.
- We don’t understand the source of — what is giving rise to — these harms. And,
- Some of stuff that gives rise to the imbalance or distortion is laid down at such an early age that we can’t see it.
So, are we screwed?
No. Not at all. Far from it.
Seeing the Distortions and Imbalance
Sara and I sometimes refer to the operations of our PEMS as our “internal operating system” or “IOS”. In our normal day-to-day world, at our typical level of awareness, it is quite hard to see very far into our IOS, into that system affecting our perception, internal state, and behaviors and actions.
There is, however, a highly effective way of getting the system to reveal itself.
Deny it the typical, default behaviors the system drives.
Read that one again.
When we deny our PEM the default behavior it normally produces, we “poke the bear.” You’ll get some reaction from that system, because that system — distortions and all — was designed to keep you safe when you weren’t “awake” enough for your higher self to take care of it.
So, when you deny the system its default behaviors — misguided as those behaviors may be — you are not going to feel comfortable. The empire will strike back. But, from its limited perspective, it is for your own good. As it actually has been for your own good in the past. We, in fact, are indebted to that system and would not have been able to function and survive without it. That system has enabled us to survive, but in its current state will not help us thrive.
When you disrupt the system by denying it its behaviors, the resultant discomfort may range from minor feelings of awkwardness, to anxiety, to full on, white-knuckled fear.
Purposefully, intentionally experiencing such discomfort isn’t something most people will sign up for. As we used to say in the South when I was growing up: “that ain’t natural.” It isn’t natural to turn towards your fears, to step over them, and to do behaviors that feel unnatural and often scary.
Why Personal Development Effort Often Bears No Fruit
This avoidance of discomfort is why so many people do not gain self-knowledge. While they believe they are doing personal development, they are not. They are reading, studying, taking personality style assessments, meditating, working with a coach or therapist, attending workshops, etc., etc. But if these sometimes wonderful and worthwhile things are not coupled with departures from the comfort zone, you may be gaining self-awareness but you are not gaining self-knowledge.
Self-knowledge — as I have defined it above — is typically gained only if there is action. It is only gained when there are experiences involving disruption of the source of our perception, our internal state, and our behaviors and actions. There’s deep stuff in there — stuff that doesn’t want to be seen and will fight to remain unknown.
Gaining self-knowledge is a stoic endeavor. Discomfort comes with any real adventure, and gaining self-knowledge is an adventure. It is the ultimate “hero’s journey.” And I understand why people shy away from it. I understand, because I often shy away from it, too.
My Past Three Weeks
I’ll work through this backwards, starting with the self-knowledge I’ve gained and working back to the experiences of disruption that gave rise to it.
The insight I’ve gained into my PEMS is that there is coding in the IOS running on my neural wetware that says: when a woman who is close to me is upset and — in my perception has become intense and angry at me — that I have to make that stop. And I must make that stop by any means necessary.
“By any means necessary” isn’t pretty. It is really harmful. And it is in direct opposition one specific result I want from my personal development work: to act with kindness and directness no matter the situation.
Sara and I believe that personal development work is quite difficult without the unconditional support and total honesty of another person or group of people. Two or more people with a stated intention to support one another in this way — psychological safety x breathtaking candor — is a peer development group. Sara often plays this role with me and vice versa. And boy did she help me with this one. Boy.
Talking with My Development Partner
I was on the sofa, enjoying a cup of coffee with Sara, and talking about a very significant conflict I was in with someone else. A conflict I was failing at. We were talking about some of what was at play for me in this conflict…
I already had a generalized awareness that some unstable times in my early years has impacted how I relate with women. I know I have a tendency to want to placate women to keep them from getting upset. Also, I will avoid bringing things up or will be indirect about things that might upset a woman who is close to me. And, further, I know that when all that fails, I can flip to the opposite side of passivity to aggression and go somewhat thermonuclear… and just shut it down at all costs.
And, failing that, I’ll just go catatonic.
This doesn’t work very well. And fortunately, the extremes of it are rare even though the minor chords are struck more often.
This coding in my IOS was designed to keep me safe when I was a child. Whatever the reality of the situation, I think my little brain was worried our world was going to fall apart. So, I think I did what I could. I tried to calm my mom down as best as my little self could. Or, at least, to cause no additional turbulence myself.
Enter the placating, the indirectness, the avoidance, the walking on eggshells, the avoidance. My parents were doing the best they could, and so was I. But that doesn’t mean any of it was healthy…
Dragging Childhood into Adulthood
The problem is — at least biologically — that I’m no longer a child. But I’m still running the program. Worse, now that I’m an adult man, if that program doesn’t work, I can become angry, harsh, cutting, or cruel if that is what it takes to make the situation go away.
What seems to happen in these infrequent situations is the terror of a young, scared child wondering whether his and his siblings’ world was going to fall apart tumbles into the present. And while I can have great compassion for that child and the fear, the harm I do to those close to me is unconscionable and sets out for me my path of self-knowledge, exploration, and healing.
That Was a Wonderful Remark
Sara said something I think I will never forget. It shifted this generalized understanding I’ve shared with you above into something so clear to me that it is totally and immediately actionable. The gist of what she said was,
Otis, you need to learn to allow women to have their feelings… and to not react to them.
That statement may mean nothing to you, but it bears a world of meaning to me. As soon as she said it, it was in my bones. It is so simple, so clear, and so compelling that I can retrieve it when I need it.
And I did need it.
Twice in the past 10 days.
Let me tell you about that.
Bridging Insight Into Action
What Sara said was incredibly important, but the insight that accompanied her wonderful remark was some needed self-awareness. There was still some work to do to convert it into self-knowledge.
I had an opportunity to go back into the conflict I had done so poorly, the one Sara and I were discussing. There was the original conflict done poorly. Then there was the conversation after the conflict to sort through the conflict that I did only a little less poorly. So, things were pretty messed up and I had been harsh and unkind and had doubt I could uncoil this thing. But there was no doubt that going back in was essential.
This third go-round, I had the benefit of Sara’s remark going in. She was also present to this third conversation. And the third time was the charm.
I held steadfast to this intention to “allow the other to have their feelings.” I was able to be both pretty direct and pretty kind. Was it Hollywood-like perfect? No. And I’d slide back and forth between headed towards harshness and pulling back towards openness and kindness. But on the whole, it was a world apart.
This action resulted in the self-awareness I gained through Sara’s comment becoming self-knowledge. In acting on and embodying the insight while I was triggered in this third go at it (and, yes, I was triggered… but not hijacked), I installed a bit of that new code in my IOS, and overwrote a bit of the old code. Time will tell, but I think the conflict turned productive and will make some exciting new things possible. That’s my hope.
This was VERY uncomfortable. I was afraid. I felt undefended when I needed defense. I felt unsafe. It was unnatural and incredibly awkward. And I was far outside my comfort zone, trying to operate in a way that was unknown and therefore foreign.
In the “feel good” ending — and the ending did feel good — it can be easy to forget that it was all set up by leaving behind what was “comfortable” for me, defying the monster underneath my bed, and giving it a go.
It Never Ends
The job isn’t done. In fact, I doubt it ever will be. I made a dent, yes. But this is deep stuff, reified by decades of reinforcing, not-so-great experiences and me failing to one degree or another in my relationships. So, I’m not on the aircraft carrier flight deck declaring victory. I’m on my personal blog saying I’m committed to the long haul, and that I think you should be, too.
Opportunity Knocks Twice
Within a week of this small breakthrough, another practice opportunity landed in my lap. When it rains, it pours, right?
I was sitting in Starbucks with a different woman — also close to me and very important in my life. We were talking about different ways to handle a situation. I offered a potential solution, and she said,
“That is self-serving. That is just the direction YOU want to go anyway.”
What she was saying was that I was putting my own self-interests ahead of what was best for the other people involved, people I care deeply about. Which, unfortunately, had an element of truth to it. However, what hit me harder was that the message felt cold, cutting, dismissive, and a lot like I’ll-put-you-in-your-place-mister.
Inside, I winced. And promptly did nothing. And, like so many times before, we went on as if nothing happened, neither of us acknowledging the obvious. And the obvious was that while she was direct, and while what she said needed to be said, it was said in a way that felt quite unkind and unsettling. And not just to me, I’m guessing.
A short while afterward, when I was alone for a few minutes, I reflected. It was so clear to me that this was connected to the other. To what I was learning in the conflict of the prior week.
So the way forward was clear…
I had to “get back in there” before the morning was over. And I had to do it well, in the spirit of directness and kindness, with the intention of allowing her to have her feelings as a result. Believe me, the LAST thing I wanted to do was to revisit this with her, admit how I felt, and potentially open up who knows what. In the past, this hasn’t gone so well. Because I haven’t done it so well. So, not only did I have a fear welling up, I noticed a thought…
“It just isn’t worth it.”
Long-story-short, I revisited it with her. I had the intention to be both direct, and kind. I did it pretty well.
I wanted to allow her have her feelings about me and my idea, but to also address my perception of the messaging and the way it landed. At first, this caught her by surprise. I usually avoid these things. As she worked through the surprise, she did some ducking and diving, attempting to dismiss it. Saying things like, “Well, I wasn’t just talking about you… I was saying to do that would be self-serving for me, too.”
I knew that was an untruth. I said, calmly and clearly, “We both know that isn’t true.” I was able to say it from a place and in a voice that it landed for her. It landed in a way that she could see that I was seeing. After some initial ducking and diving and deflecting, she is always reflective and courageous in those reflections.
Further, I felt she felt that I wasn’t trying to make her wrong. Which I wasn’t. She has other important relationships, and this can be an occasional pattern for her and her personality type. And she knows it. Bringing her up against it, with directness and kindness, in the spirit of both standing for myself and standing for her and her development… she sensed it, I think.
BUT.
My legs were literally quivering. I am not exaggerating. My body, when I was raising this with her, was in full flight or collapse mode. My legs were shaking and felt like all strength had been drained from them.
The internal psychophysiological reaction was so strong that it was totally disproportional. It was disproportional to the situation, the risk, and the quality of the relationship I have with her. I can fully trust her — after all is said and done — to stand by me over time. And she knows the same of me.
To my PEM at that moment, that meant NOTHING. Nothing at all. Jello legs, pure and simple. I was caught by surprise.
Acting in spite of the fear and anxiety and staying with it initiated a little recoding of the underlying IOS. I know the fear (emotional) giving rise to my quivering, little five-year-old legs (physical/instinctive), wasn’t guiding me in the right direction. It wasn’t right to run or to collapse. I defied that fear, so I’ve loosened the grip of it. I can now tolerate it better in the future. Further, the assumption (mental) I have that “it isn’t worth it” couldn’t be farther from the truth. Why?
I felt more closeness afterward. And I should tell her so. After those first few minutes, she handed it so well. Really. I know it isn’t easy for her to be “called on her stuff” just like it isn’t easy for you or me. I think she now feels closer to me, too. And it feels like there is more trust and safety between us, that we understand one another better, and that the results we are striving for in and through our relationship are now more possible than before.
Self-Knowledge Often Lies Outside the Comfort Zone
If there is one message I hope you are taking from these two experiences, I hope it is this…
If you are willing to turn into and step over your fear, you can actively work with your IOS — and change the behaviors arising from it — that you regret. I hope you can see that we don’t have to follow its rules. That testing those rules to see what is true and what isn’t can lead to better, healthier behaviors.
And I hope you can see that to gain this, there is a price. The price is discomfort. It can be leg-quivering uncomfortable and bring us squarely up against feelings that are disproportionate to the situation we are tangling with. We can feel very weak, very vulnerable, and very exposed.
Yet we want to have our cake and eat it, too, don’t we? We want the benefits of self-knowledge — the freedom, the equanimity, the capacity for unconditional love and compassion, the right action, the will-to-good, the recognition of truth, the ability to better serve life, the joy, the purpose, the meaning.
We want all of these things. We long for them really. Whether we can feel that longing or not. Yet. Yet. Yet we want all these things without paying a price for them.
Self-knowledge comes at a price. And I will always be at the shoulder of anyone who is willing to pay that price and needs encouragement or inspiration or an idea of how to do so. And I will always, always give understanding and compassion to those who long for it, but have not yet summoned the courage to pay that price.
I know the feeling of both — of summoning my courage and cowering in fear. I’ve shared what it looks like to summon courage. But I have more stories of cowering and telling myself I’m not ready. Even though, in fact, I usually am.
My advice is simple: don’t wait until you are comfortable enough to act. Act in spite of the discomfort. That, it seems, is the way. And always has been. Find your inner stoic, and you will find your way.
Make it a good week.