Internal State

In Spirit

Compassion & Self-Compassion, Internal State

For many, the holidays mean lots of exciting things — egg nog, mistletoe, buying and wrapping presents, reflection, reconnecting with their spiritual aspirations, and with spirit. And family.

Time with family. For many, that is both exciting and anxiety-provoking. Ram Dass famously said,

If you think you are enlightened, go spend a week with your family.”

If you feel a little anxiety or perhaps even some dread about hanging with your family over the holidays, I have a little stocking-stuffer for you. I’ll give you a simple, two-step maneuver that might make this holiday a little merrier and bright, and also enable you to remember, tap into, and transmit spirit to the people and world around you this holiday season. Here goes…

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Giving Feedback (Don’t Do It)

Crucial Conversations, Feedback, Internal State, Psychological Safety and Candor, Vulnerability

I’ve been noticing lately how we tend to be pretty bad at giving feedback. In fact, we are so bad that the people around us are flying blind. As are we.

We all have blind spots. One of the gifts you can give me is to help me see into mine. I can give you the same gift. That’s where feedback comes in. Or does it?

Do we know what “feedback” is? I don’t think so. Who has taught us? What did they know of it? Why do we avoid it? Our misunderstandings and misfires lead me to question if we really know what feedback is.

Should we even give it? I don’t think so. Does it surprise you that I don’t think I should give you feedback and that I don’t want yours? It shouldn’t be a surprise — given that we tend to do more harm than good. But!

It Starts with a Feeling

Internal State, Psychological Safety and Candor

Tears were rolling down Terry’s cheeks at the end of her story, a story that conveys the essence of personal development. Terry’s tears were tears of joy, tears of a discovery of something within her that she didn’t know existed, didn’t think was possible, and will never forget.

Terry (not her real name), like so many of us, had been trying to approach personal development with her rational mind. She has a quick and agile mind, bristling with new ideas to chase and explore. She’s a classic Enneagram Seven — the Enthusiastic Visionary. In this story, she did something she’d never done. For just a moment, she set her thinking aside. She busted a move — she summoned her courage, silenced (ignored) the inner chatter, and used her heart. [Read more…] about It Starts with a Feeling

Even an Imperfect Intervention

Internal State, Psychological Safety and Candor

We are wired to cooperate. The September 2018 edition of Scientific American contained an article entitled “Why is Homo sapiens the Sole Surviving Member of the Human Family?” That article explored why, among the various branches of the human family present at the time, the branch you and I emerge from survived. One of the two reasons? Cooperation.

So, why so often do we ourselves not act this way? Why do we not cooperate? Why so often are we at cross purposes with one another? Even to the detriment of the group we are a part of, to the detriment of the group’s purpose, and the detriment of the individuals involved?

Is there something we can do about this, in ourselves? The answer is yes. And, in fact, I believe you and I have an obligation and a responsibility to do so. But what can we do? And can we do it now?

This all came tumbling into my awareness just this morning as I listened to a very remarkable person we will call Megan. Megan will help us see why we don’t cooperate and will also show us how we can lift the thin veil between tearing one another down and lifting one another up. Megan points us to the essence of personal development. She has a lesson to teach us all, and I have her story to tell…

Locating Yourself

Crucial Conversations, Internal State, Psychological Safety and Candor

Yesterday morning, walking up the gravel driveway under the 200-year-old Oregon White Oak, something in me shifted. I woke up feeling pretty low. Sara and I had an argument the night before, and it was one of those rare ones that have a disproportionately strong impact on me. As I was passing under this majestic tree in my early morning walk to my little office up on the hill, I was actively working with my internal state.

Increasingly, I’m realizing the power of internal state and how it really is the crux of personal development. It really defines our life experience, and whether we react unconsciously or respond intelligently to situations we find ourselves in. Two people — in the exact same situation — with different internal states may have two very different experiences. They will react or respond, do more good or more harm, learn or learn nothing, do or do not… in very different ways.

It isn’t the situation that matters most. It is our internal state. And we totally lose sight of this in the very moments where we most need to remember it. This was where I was at with regards to this conflict with Sara. And fortunately, as I passed under the fresh new oak leaves of the summer, I knew it.

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