Psychological Safety and Candor

Giving Feedback (Don’t Do It)

Crucial Conversations, Feedback, Internal State, Psychological Safety and Candor, Vulnerability

I’ve been noticing lately how we tend to be pretty bad at giving feedback. In fact, we are so bad that the people around us are flying blind. As are we.

We all have blind spots. One of the gifts you can give me is to help me see into mine. I can give you the same gift. That’s where feedback comes in. Or does it?

Do we know what “feedback” is? I don’t think so. Who has taught us? What did they know of it? Why do we avoid it? Our misunderstandings and misfires lead me to question if we really know what feedback is.

Should we even give it? I don’t think so. Does it surprise you that I don’t think I should give you feedback and that I don’t want yours? It shouldn’t be a surprise — given that we tend to do more harm than good. But!

It Starts with a Feeling

Internal State, Psychological Safety and Candor

Tears were rolling down Terry’s cheeks at the end of her story, a story that conveys the essence of personal development. Terry’s tears were tears of joy, tears of a discovery of something within her that she didn’t know existed, didn’t think was possible, and will never forget.

Terry (not her real name), like so many of us, had been trying to approach personal development with her rational mind. She has a quick and agile mind, bristling with new ideas to chase and explore. She’s a classic Enneagram Seven — the Enthusiastic Visionary. In this story, she did something she’d never done. For just a moment, she set her thinking aside. She busted a move — she summoned her courage, silenced (ignored) the inner chatter, and used her heart. [Read more…] about It Starts with a Feeling

Nice vs Kind

Crucial Conversations, Psychological Safety and Candor

Do you think of yourself as a “nice” person? If so, you may have a problem. I don’t know, of course. But you just might. Hold that thought, and answer these two questions…

Do you think of yourself as a “kind” person?
Do you think “nice” and “kind” are one and the same?

I’m asking you these questions because it is like the theme of the week this week. It is the theme I’m seeing in my clients and family: well-intentioned people who have values like “compassion” and “honesty” and “service to others”… and who see themselves as “nice” people are tripping themselves up left, right, and center.

And I get it: “nice” (for most of us) is our social conditioning. But it is often doing us and others more harm than good. So what do I do when this comes up in conversation with others?

I have them think through the potential differences between “nice” and “kind”. When I share the way I define those two words, they seem to have a “light bulb” moment. A flicker of recognition. A glimmer of hope. Want that light bulb? I’ll give it my best shot. Here goes…

[Read more…] about Nice vs Kind

Working with Difficult Relationships

Psychological Safety and Candor

From time to time, we all have them — difficult relationships. Sometimes, they seem forced upon us. Other times, what started off as a good or great relationship goes south and becomes difficult. Sometimes, well, it can seem like we’ve become a magnet for them for some time period of our lives. And sometimes they appear as a recurring theme or challenge over the arc of our lives.

After writing last week’s article — Even an Imperfect Intervention — I heard from a subscriber who had some questions. Clearly, from the questions they asked, they are as sharp as a tack. While they asked several questions, this one captures the gist of it:

“As I was reading, you point out that the idea is to cooperate, to make the person you are having a conversation with feel safe. I am wondering how this works when you are talking with a person who does not care about your safety, does not care about hurting you, yet it is someone with whom you have to find a way to cooperate or at minimum communicate with.”

It’s an excellent question! I will share with you an expanded version of my response. Difficult relationships? Here goes.

Even an Imperfect Intervention

Internal State, Psychological Safety and Candor

We are wired to cooperate. The September 2018 edition of Scientific American contained an article entitled “Why is Homo sapiens the Sole Surviving Member of the Human Family?” That article explored why, among the various branches of the human family present at the time, the branch you and I emerge from survived. One of the two reasons? Cooperation.

So, why so often do we ourselves not act this way? Why do we not cooperate? Why so often are we at cross purposes with one another? Even to the detriment of the group we are a part of, to the detriment of the group’s purpose, and the detriment of the individuals involved?

Is there something we can do about this, in ourselves? The answer is yes. And, in fact, I believe you and I have an obligation and a responsibility to do so. But what can we do? And can we do it now?

This all came tumbling into my awareness just this morning as I listened to a very remarkable person we will call Megan. Megan will help us see why we don’t cooperate and will also show us how we can lift the thin veil between tearing one another down and lifting one another up. Megan points us to the essence of personal development. She has a lesson to teach us all, and I have her story to tell…

Locating Yourself

Crucial Conversations, Internal State, Psychological Safety and Candor

Yesterday morning, walking up the gravel driveway under the 200-year-old Oregon White Oak, something in me shifted. I woke up feeling pretty low. Sara and I had an argument the night before, and it was one of those rare ones that have a disproportionately strong impact on me. As I was passing under this majestic tree in my early morning walk to my little office up on the hill, I was actively working with my internal state.

Increasingly, I’m realizing the power of internal state and how it really is the crux of personal development. It really defines our life experience, and whether we react unconsciously or respond intelligently to situations we find ourselves in. Two people — in the exact same situation — with different internal states may have two very different experiences. They will react or respond, do more good or more harm, learn or learn nothing, do or do not… in very different ways.

It isn’t the situation that matters most. It is our internal state. And we totally lose sight of this in the very moments where we most need to remember it. This was where I was at with regards to this conflict with Sara. And fortunately, as I passed under the fresh new oak leaves of the summer, I knew it.

[Read more…] about Locating Yourself

Increasing Your Capacity for Psychological Safety — Five Practices

Practices, Psychological Safety and Candor

How can you increase your capacity for psychological safety… for connection? By practicing, that’s how! In this article, I’ll outline five practical and powerful practices that will help you increase your capacity. If you stay with them, you will steadily increase the quality and consistency of your connection. More and more, you will embody “clear mind, open heart, strong spine” and some incredible benefits will flow from that.

Increasing Your Capacity for Psychological Safety — Building the Foundation

Psychological Safety and Candor

In this article, I’d like to share my best thinking on how you might significantly improve the quality and consistency of your connection to your higher self, to others, and to life. I want to share this because increasing your capacity for connection will transform your life, your relationships, your effectiveness, and your sense of meaning and purpose. And, it will increase your happiness and decrease your suffering. Just a bunch of small, little things like that.

In my prior article, I explained why I think connection is the secret to life. I also explained how psychological safety and unconditional love, warmth, compassion, acceptance, and support relate to connection. I will not repeat all of that, for it is all already there, here.

I’m a process and framework kind of guy, so I will give you the journey from here to there as nine steps — four foundational steps and five practices. You don’t necessarily need to follow this order, particularly if you have a basic grasp of the whole of this.

In this article, I’ll cover the four foundational steps. In the next article, the five practices.

Ready to explore this? I know I am.

The Secret to Life is Connection

Psychological Safety and Candor

Sara has been challenging me, encouraging me, to shift my focus from a personal development framework to psychological safety. I’ve been resisting that. I don’t see a good, cohesive framework out there. And I have been using one and evolving it, and it works. Why wouldn’t I want to focus on that?

As soon as people actually start their personal development work, however, it always comes down to the same root thing. People are struggling with having the healthy, happy, highly effective relationships they desire. And that, my friend, hinges on psychological safety.

The degree of psychological safety we are capable of directly impacts our ability to connect with others. I think our ability to connect with others is the secret of life. And I think many people don’t know this. In this post, I will explain why I believe this to be true, and why I’m shifting my primary focus to helping people understand and cultivate psychological safety. To connect. Let’s bring this to life through real-life situations…

The Cornerstone of Psychological Safety

Psychological Safety and Candor

I’m working with an organization that is committed to getting better at “crucial conversations”. Crucial conversations are defined as conversations where (1) there are differences in opinion, (2) the stakes feel high, and therefore (3) emotions will be involved.

Foundational to having these conversations is psychological safety. Psychological safety means the environment is deemed safe for interpersonal risk-taking.

If psychological safety is lost in a crucial conversation, the conversation is no longer crucial. It is failed. These types of conversations define our lives, impact our relationships, and shape our careers. I think this is worth talking about…