This video is from a course I’m developing called “Getting Started Right with Personal Development.” It gets to the essence of a three-part strategy for identifying and changing behavior that holds us back from what we most want. I hope you enjoy it.
Sara’s niece, Sara Weir, just came to visit. Among other things, she’s a fantastic photographer. (Her Instagram account is beautiful). We had some great conversations about personal development and the challenges we encounter in our relationships, particularly family relationships. The whole family-thing can really up the ante, can’t it?
“If you think you are enlightened, go spend a week with your family.” Ram Dass
It was beautiful to watch aunt and niece connect. Sara Owens Woodard frequently strives to embody that über rare blend of caring personally while challenging directly. And so it was in some of the conversations I was privileged to join.
Sara Weir consistently did something in these conversations that is so rare. She worked with the challenges the other Sara (for whom she is named) presented even while another part of her was resisting. So often we summarily reject what we most need to hear. And this wasn’t happening.
[Read more…] about The First Three Capacities You Need for Personal Development
I’m writing a course on a pathway for personal development, and I’m struggling. I’ve learned a lot over the years and I like to share a lot. That overcomplicates things. And people are very busy and don’t want complicated. There are a handful of people who want to know all the in’s and out’s, but most folks are looking for the most efficient way to move from where they are to where they want to be. I get that. But I still struggle with it.
And gosh, where do you even start with a course on personal development? As I’ve noodled on this in the early mornings this past week, it dawned on me that perhaps the place to start is by sharing the three key benefits of personal development. There are lots of benefits, some that people cannot begin to imagine when they start with personal development. However, it isn’t even useful to attempt to describe what people cannot understand, even though I’m tempted to try.
I can winnow the benefits of personal development down to three things I think everyone can understand. These three things aren’t complicated: [Read more…] about Three Benefits of Personal Development
There is a silent and mounting price to being “nice”. I’m talking about the version of being nice that is at the expense of being fully, straightforwardly, breathtakingly honest.
The price compounds over time. It taxes us, silently reducing our belief in ourselves. It injects and then maintains (or even nurtures) dysfunction in our relationships. As time goes by, it calcifies. It becomes more difficult to remove. The failure of dishonesty begets more and more failure. The dishonesty becomes concretized. Embedded. And it becomes increasingly harder for us to face.
And yet that is what we have and what we must work with. There’s no amnesty. No ctrl-alt-delete. No reformatting the hard drive. And so we must work with what we already have. If we are to evolve, grow, heal, and integrate, anyways.
It is a movement so simple and yet so anxiety-provoking. The movement? Turn into the places that scare you. Face the failure. Your feelings of failure. Face the fear of the implications of addressing what has not been addressed for so long.
Why is this on my mind? I saw this just this week. In Lauren and in myself.
Sam (not her real name) leveled her gaze and looked me directly in the eye. “I’d like to hear from Otis,” she said. She and her team had just answered four powerful questions that lead to trust via vulnerability. My colleague, Pamela, was guiding this part of the workshop and had opened up this exercise by sharing her own answer. Then the twelve people in this group followed.
Sam came to the workshop skeptical. She said this directly in the opening. So when she leveled her gaze at me and looked me dead in the eye, I knew. I could feel where she was coming from and sense what her agenda might be. Pamela said, “No, Otis doesn’t need to go… we consultants don’t go. I just did it because we didn’t ask your boss to model it… so I did.”
Sam pressed. “I’d still like to hear from Otis.” And here’s what happened…
Do you think of yourself as a “nice” person? If so, you may have a problem. I don’t know, of course. But you just might. Hold that thought, and answer these two questions…
I’m asking you these questions because it is like the theme of the week this week. It is the theme I’m seeing in my clients and family: well-intentioned people who have values like “compassion” and “honesty” and “service to others”… and who see themselves as “nice” people are tripping themselves up left, right, and center.
And I get it: “nice” (for most of us) is our social conditioning. But it is often doing us and others more harm than good. So what do I do when this comes up in conversation with others?
I have them think through the potential differences between “nice” and “kind”. When I share the way I define those two words, they seem to have a “light bulb” moment. A flicker of recognition. A glimmer of hope. Want that light bulb? I’ll give it my best shot. Here goes…
From time to time, we all have them — difficult relationships. Sometimes, they seem forced upon us. Other times, what started off as a good or great relationship goes south and becomes difficult. Sometimes, well, it can seem like we’ve become a magnet for them for some time period of our lives. And sometimes they appear as a recurring theme or challenge over the arc of our lives.
After writing last week’s article — Even an Imperfect Intervention — I heard from a subscriber who had some questions. Clearly, from the questions they asked, they are as sharp as a tack. While they asked several questions, this one captures the gist of it:
“As I was reading, you point out that the idea is to cooperate, to make the person you are having a conversation with feel safe. I am wondering how this works when you are talking with a person who does not care about your safety, does not care about hurting you, yet it is someone with whom you have to find a way to cooperate or at minimum communicate with.”
It’s an excellent question! I will share with you an expanded version of my response. Difficult relationships? Here goes.
We are wired to cooperate. The September 2018 edition of Scientific American contained an article entitled “Why is Homo sapiens the Sole Surviving Member of the Human Family?” That article explored why, among the various branches of the human family present at the time, the branch you and I emerge from survived. One of the two reasons? Cooperation.
So, why so often do we ourselves not act this way? Why do we not cooperate? Why so often are we at cross purposes with one another? Even to the detriment of the group we are a part of, to the detriment of the group’s purpose, and the detriment of the individuals involved?
Is there something we can do about this, in ourselves? The answer is yes. And, in fact, I believe you and I have an obligation and a responsibility to do so. But what can we do? And can we do it now?
This all came tumbling into my awareness just this morning as I listened to a very remarkable person we will call Megan. Megan will help us see why we don’t cooperate and will also show us how we can lift the thin veil between tearing one another down and lifting one another up. Megan points us to the essence of personal development. She has a lesson to teach us all, and I have her story to tell…
Some people come into this world knowing what they are here to do. My father and father-in-law were those types of people. My father fashioned himself a first aid kit and took it to the playground in elementary school and attended to the scrapes, bumps, and bruises. He became a doctor. My father-in-law memorized the voting records of U.S. congressman when other kids his age were memorizing batting averages of major league baseball players. He became a U.S. congressman and worked for Middle East peace.
I’m not one of those people. When it comes to sensing my purpose in life, it has been a bit chaotic, to say the least. Boatbuilder. Aspiring architect. Photographer. Accountant. Management consultant. Business executive. Coach. Leadership and personal development teacher, consultant, and online entrepreneur. Get the picture?
How about you? Are you clear on your purpose? If not, do you want to be? Know how to? This is what we will explore…
Part of my mission is to make personal development available to anyone who wants it, anywhere, regardless of financial means. I have been blessed with incredible mentors, training, and most importantly, experience. It’s time to share it.
It is dawning on me what is really needed to get started right with personal development. I’ve been noodling on this because in the company I consult with, in four years we have ramped up to include 200 of their 6,000 employees. It’s been remarkable, but it isn’t exactly scalable or inclusive.
“What would it take to fix this?” I’ve wondered. And I’m now glimpsing a way forward. We are about to do some tests to vet this idea. It is an incredibly exciting time and a highly motivating endeavor. Namely…
Empower people to work together to support one another in personal development.
Where would this start?
I think everyone — including you — who wants real results from personal development needs to know eight things. This article explores these eight things. See how many you are clear on…
